


The Holy Bible: Heavy Metal Edition

by Full_Metal_Douchebag



Category: Christian Bible
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Humor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, because the author has no idea what he's doing, this ain't your normal bible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:48:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Full_Metal_Douchebag/pseuds/Full_Metal_Douchebag
Summary: There is a book beyond that which is known to man.It is a book as vast as space, and as timeless as infinity.It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.This is the book of imagination.It is a book which we call...The Holy Bible: Heavy Metal Edition.





	The Holy Bible: Heavy Metal Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ finds a fig tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit fan production. The Bible is, surprisingly, copyrighted. At least, most versions are.
> 
> Please enjoy the chapter.

In the deserts of the Middle East, barren of almost all life and possessing little color, a man walked through. The man was a rather average Middle Eastern, if you forget about the fact that he was the whitest man around when his mother most certainly wasn’t. 

The sun, high as a kite, was beating down on the man, causing him to sweat profusely. He was struggling to get out of the heat, forced to use a big stick that was taller to him to save on energy, and there wasn’t any nearby Starbucks to dive into and enjoy the free air conditioning.

After conquering a tough, yet very small hill, he saw something in the distance. It was a tree, but not just any tree, a fig tree. It was tall, curvy, and had many limbs, just like how the man liked his women...Forget about that last part.

“Oh, thank-fucking-God,” the man practically moaned before he began a light jog towards the fig tree. As he jogged, he thought of how tasty the son-of-a-bitch fig would taste when he got there.

The man finally arrived at the fig tree, exhausted, but with a smile on his face. That smile would disappear when he looked up at the tree.

There wasn’t a single fig on that tree. The only things on the tree were fucking leaves.

The man paused, processing the information as though he were a computer connected to dial-up internet.

“You know what?” the man said with a straight face. “Fuck this tree. Fuck this bitch-ass tree. If this tree ever bears fruit again, I ain’t want nothin’ to do with it.”

And with that, the man walked right past the barren fig tree.

**XoXoXoXo**

We see the man again, this time walking towards a house. He walked to the door and knocked. A few seconds later, the door opened to reveal a man of opposite skin color, draped in the finest bling.

“Yo, whaddup my ma-” the man said before he stopped and flinched at the smell coming from his guest. “Jesus, man. You smell nasty!”

“Thanks, Daquan,” Jesus said. “Now let me inside.”

Daquan let the son of God inside, saying “Yeah, sure. You get here fine?”

“No. It was hot as hell outside.”

“Ya didn’ stop at the fig tree on ya way?”

“I did,” Jesus said, drooping his head. “No figs.”

**XoXoXoXo**

An author was standing at a shop in the marketplace of his town. While he was buying his food and Jojo posing, his mind went back to the text that he was translating. The text was what Jesus Christ, the son of God, once said. The author didn’t know if the messiah had said “No figs,” or “No fags.”

Suddenly, he overheard some nearby people loudly gossiping. Recognizing one of the voices, he slowly turned his head towards the gossipers. The voice he had recognized had belonged to his annoying, gay neighbor.

With one look at the man the author made a decision on what Jesus had said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this is pretty weird, but the idea does have potential, so I’m going to go with it for as long as I can (If I can get motivation to write more, I have trouble with that).
> 
> I remember being VERY surprised when I found out that there was fanfiction of the Bible! I’m sure you could easily guess why, but it’s not very popular. But I don’t care, I think this is pretty funny.
> 
> I mean no disrespect to any religious person out there reading this. This is not a serious story. This is a story purely for fun, and I do not intend for this to offend anyone.
> 
> Thanks for reading! You’re awesome!


End file.
